My Government Bailout

I cannot wait for my bailout check to arrive in the mail. I expect it to be here any day. Any moment, in fact, because it is probably being couriered directly from the Treasury to my DC residence. I have a serious problem, and taxpayers need to fix it now, or the whole house of cards is coming down with me.

I need this bailout, you see, because I am just like the financial system. Three years ago, I made imprudent financial decisions. Like Wall Street investors sinking millions into real estate that was "guaranteed" to "appreciate," I pumped all my borrowed thousands into a similarly surefire investment - a law degree.



The problem is that I based my investment on what was essentially a lie. Just as Wall Street bet that housing prices would miraculously never come down, I bet that a law degree would actually make me rich. Why make this bet? My law school published in US News and World Report that its graduates were 96% employed at graduation, and making an average starting salary of $135,000. In 2005 dollars, no less. [FN 1] Well. Who wouldn't want a piece of that action?

As it turns out, housing prices don't defy gravity, and that $135,000 average wasn't even a little bit true. Now, despite the fact that I based my investment on the sunniest possible outcome, rather than sober "facts," I'm facing a credit crunch, rising costs, growing unemployment, decreasing income, and a tumbling stock market. Additionally, if I go down, the innumerable bartenders, baristas, video game purveyors, and cable tv providers that I support will go down too. The ripple effect will be completely immeasurable. Clearly, I cannot be allowed to fail. The government needs to buy up my bad debt and sell it to someone responsible - the Chinese. Then, having safely unloaded all that toxic debt onto the Chinese, the US government can default on its debt, simultaneously ruining the Chinese economy and ensuring American economic dominance for generations.

Bailout, please.

FN 1: $135,000 is roughly $1,000,000 in 2008, or 6 Euros.