Does the Hardware Store Have Beartraps?

A few years back, the DC townhouse in which I reside was burgled over Thanksgiving weekend. My brother and his college roommates lived in the house at the time, and the burglars made a thorough job of their work. They waited until everyone had gone home for the long weekend, and then just popped the back door and walked in. They would have made the Grinch proud with their thoroughness:

They took everything:
iPods and flatscreens, some laptops and phones,
computers, playstations, all the best clothes.
Then they stuffed them in bags,
And then without dally,
Shoved all the bags in a van down the alley.

(musical interlude)

Then they slunk to the icebox.
They took my bro's feast.
They took my bro's Natty,
They ate his roast beast.
They cleaned out the icebox as quick as they might.
Why, those guys even took the last can of Bud Light.

Then they stuffed all food in the van with such glee.
"Now," they all cried, "We will make lots of g's."


That's actually what happened. They took every electronic device, video game, CD, DVD, a whole bunch of clothes, and nearly everything else of value besides the furniture. Then they took the time to cook and eat a steak that was in fridge. And they hauled everything out through the dark, unlit alleyway behind the house.

Now, three years later, I'm living in the same house, and I'm about to take off for Thanksgiving. I would rather not return home to a busted-in window and the discovery that my light-saber and extended-edition Lord of the Rings DVDs are for sale in Southeast DC. How, then, to prevent a break-in on a modest budget that doesn't include an alarm system?

As a new lawyer, I know that you cannot use deadly force to protect mere property. Thus I cannot hide beartraps under all the windows or run electric current through all the doorknobs, "Home Alone" style. [FN 1]. Instead, I may use only passive means to deter would-be criminals. That sucks, because nothing tells would-be burglars "Go Away" like losing a limb in a shiny new beartrap.

So, I am reduced to installing motion lights in the backyard. That way, at least the banditos can work without worrying that they'll trip over something in the dark. Similarly, I have put timers on all the interior lights. I've also made sure that the shades and blinds are drawn, the newspaper and mail are on hold, and I've asked the neighbors to pick up any papers, flyers, or packages that appear on the doorstep. Can't fail right? I mean, the place is practically a fortress, what with all those lights coming on and going off.

And that's why I just updated my renter's insurance. The end.

[FN 1] Interestingly, little Macaulay Culkin's "Saw"-like house of horrors was probably legal because he was actually in the house. One may use deadly force to protect one's own life. Thus, as long as Macaulay was in the house, and reasonably believed that the Wet Bandits threatened his life, all his nefarious little traps were probably permissible. However, had he set his traps and then gone to hide out at a neighbor's, he could have been charged with assault, if not attempted murder. Take that, Chris Columbus and your charming family holiday films.