A Holiday Poem

Well, it's once again that time of year. Here's a little something I wrote a few years ago in law school. For it to make sense, here's a quick primer: freshmen live in dorms on the Boston College law school campus, Joe Liu was my Property professor, and the Asahi case spelled out the rules for obtaining jurisdiction over someone. Don't worry about the law jokes, though, it's mostly about Santa's substance abuse problem.

'Twas the Night Before Finals

Twas the night before finals, and in the library
Law students were stirring and starting to worry.

Their laptops were plugged into outlets with care
In hopes that their outlines soon would be there.

While students in college were snug in their beds
and visions of beer funnels danced in their heads,

I sat with my casebook propped up in my lap,
And stared at the pages of State vs. Shack.

When out in the lot there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I shuffled and slouched,
Expecting to see an old dormit’ry couch

That had fallen and crashed on the new fallen snow,
While freshmen tossed more things to the ground down below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver so lively and true,
I thought for a moment it might be Joe Liu.

My eyes did deceive me I soon came to see,
For the beard on his chin came down near his knee.

My eyes, how they twinkled, my dimples, how deep,
For under the sleigh, I could see my crushed Jeep.

“A lawsuit!” I cried, as I ran out the door
To catch up with Santa and give him what for.

As I got out to see him, he turned with a jerk –
It was clear he’d been drinking ‘fore coming to work.

He nearly fell over, right out of his sleigh,
But I looked right up at him and started to say,

“You fucked up my Jeep, you stupid drunk dick.”
“It wasn’t my fault,” said fat old Saint Nick,

“It was that stripper named Vixen from two stops ago,
She didn’t have cookies, but knew how to --“

“Hey!” I said, “Nobody wants to hear that,
But for the sake of the Mrs. I hope it was wrapped.

Now back to this problem of you on my Jeep.
I’m going to sue you, and it’ll be steep.”

“Sue me?” said the elf. “I’d like you to try.”
“The court in Asahi says your ass is mine,

Unless we can settle right here and right now.”
“I’d like to,” he said, “but I don’t see how.”

“I want a new Jeep with really big tires.”
“Is that all,” he asked, “is there more you require?”

“Darn tootin’,” I said, “I need the exams
For all 1L courses so I can finish this cram.”

“I’ll do you one better,” he said looking sly
“If you won’t go tell about this little toy.”

He held out a bong from floor to his shoulder
That was mounted right there in a candy cane holder.

“I’ll give you the answers,” the old stoner wheezed,
And you’ll ace your exams with A’s and no B’s.”

“Sounds good to me, are they there in your sack?”
I asked the old devil as he reached in his pack.

“They are here in my hand,” and he gave them to me,
And I made lots of copies for the whole class to see.

So if you’re real tired and starting to crack,
And you’d like all the answers, just e-mail me back.


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone.